Counting the Cost of Divorce

You know full well that your client shouldn’t accept the offer from her soon-to-be ex-spouse. But the divorce has moved forward and now Ms. Brown just wants the matter settled.

You know that her decision will be far more costly than she seems to understand at the moment. But she assures you she knows what she wants — and reminds you she has hired you to do as she asks.

It planting.JPG (41422 bytes) may not seem possible, but your oh-so-calm client is grieving. She is mourning the loss both of what was and of what might have been. She longs for something more in life.

After 15 years of marriage, Ms. Brown had painfully initiated the divorce. Now she feels flooded by her own sense of guilt and remorse. She wants to put the past behind her and get on with her life. And she wants to protect her children from undue upset.

In the press of settling a divorce, most attorneys can’t afford to pay much attention to the emotional issues faced by their clients. But by understanding the powerful feelings involved in divorce, you can navigate these difficult situations more effectively and do a better job of representing your client’s best interests.

Divorce — even for the partner who instigates the breakup — is a form of loss. With loss comes grief. Your client’s rush to settle may be an attempt to short-circuit the grieving process. But trying to avoid grief simply doesn’t work.

Grieving progresses through five stages, according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist who first described them in light of her work with terminally ill patients: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Of course, divorce isn’t as serious as a fatal illness (although it may feel like it at the time). Nor does grieving necessarily proceed in five discrete steps. Stages may overlap, and one may be more prominent than another, depending on individual circumstances. But the general pattern of dealing with loss is similar.

Your client’s efforts to suppress her grief will only prolong the emotions she would like to avoid. The grief and anxiety generated by divorce fuel restless energy that can drive a person to act without thinking. So a client may demand a quick settlement.

Drastic change and uncertainty about the future can leave any of us feeling out of control. Making a decision — even a rash one — can help us feel as if we are doing something productive. But when we act impulsively without an adequate perspective, we may pay a high price. Sometimes spouses who file for divorce want so badly to cut their losses that they agree to whatever comes in the first settlement offer.

Kübler-Ross also noticed that her patients were able to maintain a sense of hope even in the direst situations. Similarly, your divorcing clients may show signs of hope that the dreams and desires unmet in their married life will finally be fulfilled after the divorce.

At that point, you may be bombarded not just with the client’s feelings of grief (and perhaps more guilt) but also with his or her sense of anticipation. Now you face not one but two or even three overpowering emotions that can affect the client’s decision making. Even divorce attorneys trained to manage conflict-ridden circumstances often find such cases daunting.

Be wary of your own reactions. You may feel compelled to close the case as soon as possible. After all, your time is valuable and it will cost your client less in legal fees. Besides, dealing with such emotions is just plain uncomfortable.

But to serve your client’s best interests, it is usually wise to help him or her stop and count the cost of a hasty decision. To slow things down, you might want to say something like, "I know this is a rough time for you, but I would recommend that you take some time to think over your decision. Even though right now it may seem easier to get this over with quickly, you are more likely to benefit in the long run if you consider all your options."

Encouraging your client to slow down may seem at first to unnecessarily prolong an acrimonious process. But it can avoid more serious consequences — both financial and emotional.

Most attorneys have had their share of clients whose eagerness to resolve an unpleasant issue prompts them to demand immediate closure. In many cases, the situation can be resolved more equitably by taking time to evaluate all the alternatives. Clients who settle quickly for the sake of an emotional reprieve all too often discover only in retrospect the true cost of that momentary relief.

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